John Fetterman Reckons He Will Go to Washington, Uh, Huh
Braddock, PA - Pennsylvania's new Senator, John Fetterman, is going to Washington. Mhm.
“I've beat Oz in the race, uh, huh,” said Fetterman. “Yes, I'm right sure of it. I reckon I'll go to that lil' ol' white building on the corner of First Street and some other street. There's a bench out front that says ‘Senator Fetterman's office’ on it. I'll be sitting there, waiting on ye so we can talk with my closed captioning device. Mhm. ”
As Fetterman prepares to go to Washington, people are telling him to wear a suit. “I guess I am going to have to get used to lookin at perty people, and perty people going to have to get used to lookin at me,” said Fetterman. “So, I reckon I'll wear a pinstriped over-sized hoodie and cargo shorts to look perty, uh, huh.”
To fit in with his new Democrat friends in Washington, Fetterman likes to tell the story of his mommy and daddy's abortion. “When I was a boy my daddy came out to the shed and got me,” remembers Fetterman. “He said, 'here, take this and throw it away', and he handed me a towel with something or another in it. Well I started for that barrel and I opened up the towel 'cause there was a noise. Something a-moving around in there. The towel was all bloody-like all around it there. It was a lil' ol' baby not no bigger than a squirrel. Reckon I'll eat some biscuts now, uh, huh.”
But the thing Fetterman is looking forward the most to eating is in the Senate cafeteria. “I reckon I'd like me some of them french fries, uh, huh,” said Fetterman.
To clear up any doubts about his ability be in the Senate after his stroke, Fetterman wants people to know that he is like a sharp tool. His friends even call him sling blade. "Some folks call me a sling blade, I call myself a kaiser blade. It's kinda got a long wooden handle, kind of like an axe handle. With a long blade on it shaped kinda like a bananer. Mhm. Sharp on one edge, and dull on the other. Mhm. It's what the highway boys use to cut down weeds and whatnot."
Most of all, when Fetterman gets to Washington he is eager to see Biden. “We’ll always be friends,” said Fetterman. “Biden and me made friends right off the bat. Don’t nobody ever change that. I kindly want to put my arm around him, then I’m gonna get up out of here and leave his room and get me some more of them french fries potatoes, uh, huh.”