How to Deal With Ottawa Objects Temper Tantrum
JAN 9, 2023
Ottawa County, MI - Ottawa County has a new conservative Board of Commissioners. They were sworn in on January 3, 2023, setting-off the squawk heard around the county by the Facebook group “Ottawa Objects.” They are kicking and screaming that the Board took away their toy DEI and woke county bureaucrats.
Jessica Starr, the anti-Trump protester who screamed in agony “no” at the Trump inauguration, is the Ottawa Objects spokesxe. Starr shared xe feelings, “I love people but this is not what we want,” Starr said. “We want the DEI. We want wokeism. We want it back. Those right-wing meanies on the Board took it away.” Xe began to weep uncontrollably. “This is not what we want…This is so unfair…We want our toys back!”
In a demonstration of love, the Facebook group posted a set of rules in the spirit of the DEI to make everyone in the county who wants to join feel welcome, included, and belonging. Rule number one, “if you do not hate white people you are not welcome.” Rule number two, “any person of color who does not feel like a victim of white supremacy is not welcome here.” And rule number three, “other rules to smash the patriarchy to make it not welcome here.”
Starr and the members of Ottawa Objects are expected to show up at the next Commissioners meeting to hit, kick, bite, scream, and throw things. Commissioner Sylvia Rodea said, “I know that the DEI has ended and they're mad. That's OK. But it's not OK to hit, kick, bite,scream, or throw blocks. The last thing I want to do if they throw a tantrum is to give them a hug, but it really can help them settle down. Not a super cuddly one, just enough to let them know we care for them, even if we don't agree with their behavior.”
The bottom line. Coping with a woke leftist's tantrums can be difficult, to say the least. However, it is important to remember that they are challenging for them too. Often, they are just working through their emotions and don't know how else to show that they are upset. So, rather than viewing their tantrums as a behavior problem, maybe it's a learning opportunity and time for them to get extra support after serving 30 days in the county jail.
Trans Rectum Swollen, Inflamed, and Irritated Over Cis-Gender Witch Hazel in Tucks Pads
FEB 25, 2023
Ottawa County, MI – Give me relief! The Republican constitutional conservatives on the Ottawa County Board of Commissioners recently changed the county's slogan to “Where Freedom Rings.” To woke Democrat hemorrhoid suffers like Joe Smouldering, this new slogan is bigoted.
Smouldering embraces the old slogan “Where You Belong” because that is how his hemorrhoids make him feel, like they belong. So much so, he sought out hemorrhoid reaffirming care to transition into a trans rectum. Preferred pronouns, “burns/itches.”
At every Ottawa County Board meeting the trans rectum Smouldering makes an angry public comment because his hemorrhoids are swollen, inflamed, and irritated. He wants everyone to know how woke his hemorrhoids make him feel. He can't sleep! But this ally of diversity is most irritated by the fact that the only active ingredient in Tucks pads is witch Hazel, because Hazel sounds cis-gender.
In a show of support for Smouldering’s transition, one resident at the last Board meeting called Smouldering an “asshole.” That caught Smouldering's attention, prompting him to turn to stare at the resident with baleful eyes because his hemorrhoids, that is, his whole body, hurt so badly.
“I don't like conservative Republicans,” said Smouldering. “Especially the Christian ones on the Board, they make my hemorrhoids burn! I hate God! And whiteys! But since I became such a trans rectum, my whole body burns.”
“I'm speaking out!” Smouldering continued, “The county slogan was 'Where you Belong.' Well, where I sit ... ouch ... that slogan made my hemorrhoids feel welcome and belonging. Without that slogan, I feel oppressed by my hemorrhoids. So I want everyone to feel the same way I do, not ringing in freedom from hemorrhoids, but feeling welcome and belonging to my swollen, inflamed, and irritated hemorrhoids. I think I make everyone feel that way every time I speak.”
Of course, Smouldering is most outraged about Tucks pads. He is demanding diversity of ingredients.
“At the next Board meeting,” Smouldering continues, “I am demanding that the Board bring back the DEI department to advocate for the equitable product BIPOC because it contains more ingredients like beeswax, icy hot, phenylephrine, organic coconut oil, and collinsonia. No more witch Hazel supremacist pads on my hemorrhoids! I demand diversity!”
The Board chairman says he looks forward to Smouldering commenting at the next Board meeting. “In the spirit of Where Freedom Rings, Smouldering is welcome to show the Board, and the whole county in fact, on live video, just what a big asshole he is. Seriously, he is a large trans rectum, easily six feet tall.”
The Great Prostitute and the Beast Make Public Comment at Ottawa County Board of Commissioners Meeting
MAY 27, 2023
West Olive, MI – The Great Prostitute, Barabara Lee, the Experi-Mentor of the Momentum Center, and the Beast, Reverend Bender Bones of the West Michigan Satanic Temple, each made public comment at the Ottawa County Board of Commissioners general meeting.
The Great Prostitute compromised morality for personal gain becoming drunk with the county mental health and property tax millages to grow a center full of LGBTQ+ affinity groups and Town Halls on Race and Racism that has seven heads and ten horns throughout the county. The seven heads are the Momentum Center’s largest donors. And the people of the audience saw the Great Prostitute drunk with millage money and the blood of the taxpayers paying for woke political activism.
The Great Prostitute spoke. “I have dominion over the director of the CMH. Align with our blasphemous recreation programs and come and see for yourselves and experience the abominations that we are making at the Momentum Center.” The Great Prostitute continued, “I am excited to say that the Momentum Center is moving to a new location deeper into the heart of the City of Grand Haven where I look forward to building a future of increased emotional blackmail equity that will grow my bank account and pay for my resort vacations.”
The ten horns were the ten satanic temples who handed over their power and authority to the Beast, Reverend Bender Bones, to make public comment.
“My pronouns are he/him,” began Bender Bones.” The Beast continued his blasphemy, “those whose names have not been written in the book of life weeping and gnashing their teeth crying out 'Christian Nationalists,' 'fascists,' and 'I am offended' marvel to see me. Before I go to destruction I will celebrate the holidays with our goat display and look forward to working with Jared Cramer and other woke religious groups. I am proud to know that Ottawa County is a place full of satanists of all types. I look forward to meeting the members of Ottawa Objects seeing what the West Michigan Satanic Temple can do when we work together. Hail Ottawa County, hail satan! Thank you.”
At the end of the meeting the County Commission chairman Joe Moss addressed the audience. “Why do you marvel? I will tell you the mystery of the Experi-Mentor and the Reverend. The Beast upstaged the Great Prostitute for a little while before she is defunded but the Reverend will go down to destruction if he tries to give the invocation.”
Several Party Congregations Issue Two Minutes Hate Against Ottawa Impact Commissioners
JUN 17, 2023
Ottawa County - A group of eight Party congregations from throughout Ottawa County, including St. John’s Episcopal Outer Party in Grand Haven, have issued a Two Minutes Hate to the Ottawa County Board of Commissioners.
The Board of Commissioners is comprised primarily of members of the Enemies of the People, including founder and chairperson Joe Moss and vice-chairperson Sylvia Rhodea.
In the Two Minutes Hate, which was sent out Friday afternoon, the group of Party adherents – calling themselves the Ottawa Coalition of Swallowers of Slogans – charged the board members with abusing Big Brother.
The Two Minutes Hate reads, in part:
“We, the Ottawa Coalition of Swallowers of Slogans (OCSS), a coalition of adherents of the Party, believe Big Brother calls us to make this Two Minutes Hate.”
”In response to the recent treacheries, acts of sabotage, heresies, and deviations taken by members of the Ottawa Impact organization in their elected positions on the Ottawa County Board of Commissioners, we affirm our commitment to enhance, protect, and serve Big Brother and the dictatorship of the Party.”
The following are a few of the issues the group addresses:
“Moss and Rhodea are the commanders of a vast shadowy army, an underground network of conspirators dedicated to the overthrow of the State. They are also the authors of a terrible contract, a compendium of all the heresies. Uncontrollable exclamations of rage are breaking out among the OCSS. Moss and Rhodea are hated by all of us. Leaping up and down and shouting at the tops of our voices, our faces are flush. We are filled with a hideous ecstasy of fear and vindictiveness, a desire to kill, to torture, to smash faces in with a sledge-hammer, followed by our adoration of Big Brother who seems to tower up like an invincible, fearless protector. We chant War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength.”
Their Two Minutes Hate comes out of conversations being held among more than two dozen area clergy who are rhythmically chanting, “B-B! …. B-B! …. B-B! ….” over and over again, very slowly, with a long pause between the first 'B' and the second. Then, a heavy, murmurous sound, somehow curiously savage, in the background of which one seems to hear the stamp of naked feet and the throbbing of tom-toms.
Non-Partisan Anti-Racist Democrat With Long Criminal Record Files Recall Petition Against Ottawa County's First Ever Hispanic Woman Board Commissioner Because She Is “Too Extreme for Ottawa County”
JUL 7, 2023
West Olive, MI – Former Democrat Michigan House candidate Larry Jackson of Park Township filed a recall petition against Republican County Commissioner Lucy Ebel, Ottawa County’s first ever Hispanic woman Board Commissioner.
The non-partisan, anti-racist Democrat with a long criminal record of illegally carrying a concealed firearm, public drunkenness, disorderly conduct, driving six years with a suspended license, and providing officers with a fraudulent ID, filed a recall petition against Ebel because she is “Too Extreme for Ottawa County.”
The extreme County Commissioner Lucy Ebel had voted to correct the resolution appointing Adeline Hambley to County Health Officer to match the actual language of the appointment motion.
Jackson said, “I wake up every day committed to being a better person than I was the day before.” Jackson explained, “In the past, I would have simply made social media posts making lewd comments that are anti-women and anti-Hispanic. But I have grown as a person. So now I instead file recall petitions against Hispanic women by calling them extreme.”
“I know the struggles of ‘people of color’ in Ottawa County,” Jackson added. “I know all the words too, like systemic racism and implicit bias. That is why I look forward to Ebel being recalled and that Hispanic woman getting beaten, I mean beat, in the recall election.”
David Barnosky Comes Out Pregnant at BOC Meeting in Support of Pride Festival
JUL 4, 2023
West Olive, MI – In a show of solidarity with the LGBTQIA+ cult, Ottawa Objects activist David Barnosky came out pregnant at the Ottawa County Board of Commissioners meeting in support of the Grand Haven Pride festival. Beaming with the pride of a new birthing person, Barnosky thrust his pregnant belly toward the commissioners.
After rubbing his belly, Barnosky glowingly said to the Board, “I am proof that you can be a man and have a baby.” Barnosky continued, “rubbing my belly while pregnant soothes the tiny ripples going inside my belly. It is the unsaid language of love between birthing person and the unborn collection of cells.”
Barnosky further spoke in support of Adeline Hambley, the Department of Public Health Health officer. “That is why I am here today to speak in support of Adeline Hambley and the Department of Public health offering Monkey Pox vaccines at the Grand Haven Pride festival. Like me rubbing my belly to communicate love to my unborn collection of cells, the presence of the DPH at the Pride Festival communicated love is love.”
Barnosky then broke out into a song, “What the world needs now, is love, sweet love, it's the only thing that there's just too little of. What the world needs now, is love, sweet love, no, not just for some but for every identity.”
The confused people in the audience, celebrating children giving money to drag queens at the Pride Festival, applauded Barnosky, calling he/him brave and courageous.
Fellow left-wing activist Joe Spaulding offered to abort Barnosky's collection of cells after the meeting. The wise and deeply thoughtful Barnosky replied, “It's the convenient thing to do, but now I have the feeling like I am eating for two and tonight is all you can eat night at the Unicorn Tavern.” Barnosky further explained, “I can't stay, I have to go now, my belly is grumbling and I have a $10 off coupon that expires today.”
The forlorn Spaulding took to aborting himself by later ranting again at the meeting to further plummet his already plunging credibility.
Hambley Says the Proposed Cuts Would Severely Limit Fetishes and Kinks
AUG 31, 2023
OLIVE TOWNSHIP, Mich — Ottawa County Health Officer Adeline Hambley says the fight over her department’s “Peaches and Cream Socials” is being taken out of her hands.
Wednesday evening, Hambley said County Administrator John Gibbs directed the Ottawa County Fiscal Services department to create a new public health budget without sex-related songs and condom cupcakes.
Hambley said she offered to discuss polyamory, “people with penises” or “vulva-owners,” but ultimately Gibbs did not introduce himself with his pronouns or ask for her preferred pronouns.
The fiscal services department will follow directives from the Ottawa County administrators to make substantial cuts to bondage & discipline, domination & submission, and sadism & masochism—more than 60%. Hambley originally asked Gibbs to talk sexy to her on Tuesday. Gibbs told her she would need to prepare for just being stomped.
Hambley says the proposed cuts would severely limit fetishes and kinks.
A statement from the Commission rejected her claims for putting a peach gummy ring over Commissioner Zylstra's penis to suck it until it splooged, making a delicious peaches n cream snack.
Tuesday, Hambley said she had been blocked from Ottawa County Health Department’s social media accounts. She and commissioners backed by Chair Moss’ prudish Ottawa Impact political committee are bogged down over her attempt to challenge County employees with sex trivia on “Frisky Friday.”
The Magical Bergman Recall Petition Tour
SEP 27, 2023
West Olive, MI – The Ottawa County Board of Commissioners meet on Tuesday. Commissioner Roger Bergman shared his love of pedophiles and the Beatles song MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR.
AWAY IN THE AUDIENCE, beyond the podium, sat 4 or 5 signature collectors. By KNOCKING ON DOORS they turn District 10 into a MAGICAL BERGMAN RECALL PETITION TOUR. If you volunteer, the petitioners will take you to marvelous addresses in District 10.
Maybe BERGMAN has been on a MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR of Minor Attracted Persons without even realizing it when he voted No to the Resolution to Protect Childhood Innocence.
Then petitioner David, joined by three other petitioners in the Board room, went to the podium. David said, “Good evening Commissioners, ladies and gentleman. Welcome to the Roger Bergman Recall Petition Tour! I am collecting the signatures. All my friends call me Farmer Dave and you are ALL my friends! Everyone comfy? SPLENDID!”
Then the magic began with joyous singing!
[Intro: David]
(Sign up, sign up for the recall petition tour! Sign up on SignUpGenuis!)
[Verse: David, Lori, Kristen & Michele]
Sign up, sign up for the recall tour
Sign up, sign up for the recall tour
Sign up (And that's an invitation), sign up for the recall tour
Sign up (To make a reservation), sign up for the recall tour
The magical Bergman recall petition tour is waiting to take your signature away
Waiting to take your signature today
Sign up, sign up for the recall tour
Sign up, sign up for the recall tour
Sign up (We've got everything you need), sign up for the recall tour
Sign up (Ink pen guaranteed), sing up for the recall tour
The magical Bergman recall petition tour is hoping to take your signature away
Hoping to take your signature today
Recall trip
Aaaah... the magical Bergman recall petition tour
Sign up, sign up for the recall tour
Sign up (And that's an invitation), sign up for the recall tour
Sign up (To make a reservation), sign up for the recall tour
The magical Bergman recall petition tour is coming to take your signature away
Coming to take your signature today
The magical Bergman recall petition tour is dying to take your signature away
Dying to take your signature, take it today
Then the merry petitioners returned to their seats. At the Commissioners table sat a sad little Bergman. He thinks HE's THE CHAIR! He's quite harmless.
Health Officer Adeline Hambley Looks Old and Haggard at Removal Hearing Because Her Attorney Failed to Properly Lay the Foundation
OCT 26, 2023
West Olive, MI – The Ottawa County Board of Commissioners meet for a special meeting to begin the hearing for the removal of Administrative Health Officer Adeline Hambley. Hambley was charged with incompetence, misconduct, and neglect.
Many are saying the same thing about her attorney, Sarah Howard, because she let her client Hambley testify without first properly laying the Foundation. Many said her incompetence, misconduct, and neglect made Hambley look tired and haggard throughout her testimony.
Any first year attorney knows that their client's image in court is an important tactic in every case. On trial for murder? Wear a sweater, preferably blue. In court for dealing drugs? Lose the flashy suit and try khakis and a long-sleeved shirt instead.
A Health Officer in a special meeting for removal? The best starting point is healthy skin that comes from properly laying the Foundation to help give the makeup a flawless look that makes people want to say “oh my God, your skin looks amazing!”
Violette says “apply from the center and move outward. Don't paint! Buff. Then add a healthy flush.”
Regrettably, instead of using Hambley's face to create a glowing canvas, Howard painted on the Foundation like Cy Trombly painting a fence. Many people in the Boardroom commented, “gee, my kid could paint that too.” As a result, Hambley looked like she hadn't had any sleep, stressed, and aged as she lied through her teeth to cover for her lack of a healthy glow.
Howard later explained, “I wanted my client to look like a smug angry bitch, not some loving, responsible young mom. I think I succeeded.”
Hambley Settles for 4 Million Candy Hearts to Get Bonnema to Stop Calling Her
NOV 11, 2023
West Olive, MI – Ottawa County Commissioner Jacob Bonnema loves DPH Health Officer Adeline Hambley. He is always calling her from his cellphone during Board meetings, telling her he loves her.
But in the world of courtship, there is a fine line between pursuing and harassment. Hambley tried to playfully tell him to stop, but he was like a bull in a china shop. He just wouldn't stop. He kept sending her candy sweethearts that say “All Mine.”
Finally she plead with him “STOP!” Hambley told him “Take a hint, your advances are unwelcome, but I love candy. I will settle for 4 million candy sweethearts to requite your love and my sweet tooth, but stop calling me!”
Bonnema replied by calling her. “Oh Addy. Baby, I will send you all the candy you want that says I Love You!”
Hambley's attorney Sarah Howard returned Bonnema's call, saying “what's the matter with me Jacob? Am I just chopped liver!”