Trans Rectum Swollen, Inflamed, and Irritated Over Cis-Gender Witch Hazel in Tucks Pads
Ottawa County, MI – Give me relief! The Republican constitutional conservatives on the Ottawa County Board of Commissioners recently changed the county's slogan to “Where Freedom Rings.” To woke Democrat hemorrhoid suffers like Joe Smouldering, this new slogan is bigoted.
Smouldering embraces the old slogan “Where You Belong” because that is how his hemorrhoids make him feel, like they belong. So much so, he sought out hemorrhoid reaffirming care to transition into a trans rectum. Preferred pronouns, “burns/itches.”
At every Ottawa County Board meeting the trans rectum Smouldering makes an angry public comment because his hemorrhoids are swollen, inflamed, and irritated. He wants everyone to know how woke his hemorrhoids make him feel. He can't sleep! But this ally of diversity is most irritated by the fact that the only active ingredient in Tucks pads is witch Hazel, because Hazel sounds cis-gender.
In a show of support for Smouldering’s transition, one resident at the last Board meeting called Smouldering an “asshole.” That caught Smouldering's attention, prompting him to turn to stare at the resident with baleful eyes because his hemorrhoids, that is, his whole body, hurt so badly.
“I don't like conservative Republicans,” said Smouldering. “Especially the Christian ones on the Board, they make my hemorrhoids burn! I hate God! And whiteys! But since I became such a trans rectum, my whole body burns.”
“I'm speaking out!” Smouldering continued, “The county slogan was 'Where you Belong.' Well, where I sit ... ouch ... that slogan made my hemorrhoids feel welcome and belonging. Without that slogan, I feel oppressed by my hemorrhoids. So I want everyone to feel the same way I do, not ringing in freedom from hemorrhoids, but feeling welcome and belonging to my swollen, inflamed, and irritated hemorrhoids. I think I make everyone feel that way every time I speak.”
Of course, Smouldering is most outraged about Tucks pads. He is demanding diversity of ingredients.
“At the next Board meeting,” Smouldering continues, “I am demanding that the Board bring back the DEI department to advocate for the equitable product BIPOC because it contains more ingredients like beeswax, icy hot, phenylephrine, organic coconut oil, and collinsonia. No more witch Hazel supremacist pads on my hemorrhoids! I demand diversity!”
The Board chairman says he looks forward to Smouldering commenting at the next Board meeting. “In the spirit of Where Freedom Rings, Smouldering is welcome to show the Board, and the whole county in fact, on live video, just what a big asshole he is. Seriously, he is a large trans rectum, easily six feet tall.”